End of the School year, start of Summer

It looks like I will have to stay in or near Troy this summer, because I have a job at this local game designing studio. I am very happy about it. I just realized a few days ago that I will have to stay in Troy for a few years. Maybe I can live in Albany. I'm just scared because Troy is so ABSOLUTELY BORING.

But I am excited to work there. I'm pretty lucky to get a job in the field not even right out of college. IN COLLEGE. Kinda shamed  myself during the interview tho....
Everything will be official in a few days. I have been looking around for housing over the summer. This time of the year is getting pretty stressful for me, and I'm so tired.

This is also the time of year where lolita gets nigh unbearable to wear. That's why I sew my dresses out of washable materials. There's no sense being in 80 degree weather in a dry clean only dress. You're just begging for sweat stains and the cost of removing them. I have no idea how I'm going to wash that dress from milanoo though. I'm afraid of it falling apart. :/ Isn't that a shame? And so far I'm too lazy-busy to clean the tub in my dorm room so I can wash it.
Bedsheets and curtains are the way to go. If not, washable cotton and polyester. No polyester in the summer though. It is like you are under a plastic sheet that is meant for baking flesh.

As long as it looks nice and isn't burlap, the material doesn't matter. The textile design is the most important feature of a dress or garment in lolita. I don't believe in dresses that bleed or shrink in mainstream brand lolita. Why would you DO that to your customer... D;
W/e.

I haven't worn lolita in a few days though.
In the end, school is more important than lolita. And I've been rushing about and bustling to finish my work. I'm just so sleepy all the time.

I have finished a great deal of my game. I decided early on that I didn't like it. But apparently I have to stick to it. UUuggh there is one week left and I want to make a different game! I've been thinking that for weeks. That's not a good sign, I know. But I guess I need a grade.

The main programming problem I am having so far is that the damn guitar won't like... stop duplicating itself.
I need to draw the enemies and make the paparazzi work.

Yesterday and the day before were 80 degrees. Was awful. I was cranky because I knew I was sweating. When I sweat, I get unhappy because my skin is sticky and I will get the pimples and there is no way for me to cool off.

Ah well. I have to start writing this essay.


-MNR

Innocent World headband (knitting)

This is not my pattern. I claim no ownership at all.
This is a pattern in one of the Gothic and Lolita Bibles in english. I'll put which one here later.
It's called Innocent World Knit Ribbon Headband, and it is a knit pattern. I just thought other lolitas would want to use it.

It's a free pattern in the books, with the pattern in the back of the book. Only the diagram is shown here, so you will have to figure out the measurements.

Angelic Pretty Tote bag (sewing)

This is not my pattern. I claim no ownership at all.
This is a pattern in one of the Gothic and Lolita Bibles in english. I'll put which one here later.
It's called Angelic Pretty Tote Bag, and it is a sewn pattern. I just thought other lolitas would want to use it.

It's a free pattern in the books, with the pattern in the back of the book. Only the diagram is shown here, so you will have to figure out the measurements.

I want a filet crochet pattern generator

I just saw some beautiful tapestry work. I kinda want to create a pretty tapestry too.
I also don't want to lose interest in it. i have a problem with that. Losing interest in a project after like... .2 days.

what I want is to design my own pattern or use my own drawings to create filet crochet tapestries that imitate renaissance paintings.

I am considering writing my own program to convert the pixels in an image, 1:1, to a chart that can be printed on one page.
I think I would use python. I could prototype it in gamemaker. There's plenty of cross stitch programs. but what if you want to turn a color image to a 2 color black and white filet crochet image? Cross stitch programs don't do that. Maybe I can look for knitting pattern generators. But they essentially do the same thing.

There are so many programs I would try and create if I had the time. I still need to be working on my game. UGH. It's going so awfully.

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What I want to do is have the user input a black and white image that is less than 500x500 pixels. (at least for now.)
The program will make a grid by looking at each pixel. If the pixel is white, the box on the grid will be white. If the pixel is black, the box on the grid will be black. If the pixel is a certain dark grey, it will be converted to black. If the pixel is a certain light grey, it will be converted to white.


That is the first version of the program.
The next version of the program will take a picture and convert it into two colors, black and white, and then output the image as a grid.

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Filet crochet gets to be very beautiful. Takes long as hell to make though. I would consider making it with a heavy fingering, sport, or even dk weight yarn.

http://www.crochetedgifts.com/imagepages/filetcrochetpatterns16X20.htm
http://www.unikatissima.de/e/?p=1081

I've always wanted to generate my own maze image as well. Generatikng a solvable maze is very interesting to me,because I wish to know how such an algorithm is possible. I think it would be vastly easier to generate a maze that gets decently far but isn't solvable. A great idea of a maze would be one that has bilateral or quad symmetry. More rotational symmetry would be difficult to make, like odd numbers 5, 7, or 9+.

I think that we should go further in creating art with the computer. There are so many pretty things we can create with an initial 'seeding' action, and then letting mathematics take over. I do love chaos theory, but that's talk for another day.

Drafting Patterns

I tend to draft my own patterns because I can never find ones I want, or ones that fit me. This goes for mostly sewing and knitting. With crochet, I'm still pretty inexperienced.

Not to say that I'm amazing in either of the three. My mother taught me the basics of sewing when I was little, and I had a sewing kit and fooled around making little purses and dolls. Then I stopped for several years. And when I was in my late teens and early 20s, (which I am now, being 20,) I have picked it up again, and have started patterns.

From my last post, I discovered that I found lolita when I was 13 or 14, but only liked drawing it. I feel now that I may like sewing it then drawing it. But I still love designing lolita themes and dresses.

With knitting it was the same way. I learned from my mother. I must have gotten bored with only knitting scarves, and how long it took, because I put them away until a couple of years ago as well. I then learned from youtube how to knit, purl, increase, decrease, knit socks, knit in the round, seam, and other fancy terms, that would allow me make actual garments. Now I have a ravelry account, and am working on designing my own patterns.

I find it funny that my mother wants me to teach her how to knit and crochet. Especially since SHE'S THE ONE WHO TAUGHT ME. I didn't know that's something you could forget. There are no hard feelings, it's just that that is somewhat strange/funny.

I've only recently started drafting my own knit and sewing patterns. Most of what I know I know from online searches and Youtube. Unfortunately I don't go to the library enough. The problem is, for most of the hours I am out of class, the public library is closed. It's such a shame.

I've learned to draft my own lolita patterns. I usually look at actual dresses, see what shapes the pieces are constructed in, draw them onto paper, and take my measurements. I also got a very rudimentary pattern for a jsk from egl on Livejournal. I just need to learn tailoring, which I've been getting much better at, being large-breasted. Bust darts are your friends, boys and girls. Burdastyle has helped me learn tailoring.


I'm working on a new steampunk corset styled tank top with ruffles. When I can, I will put up my preliminary picture and pattern. It will be my bust size range, with is 44-48. Right now, or soon, I have to finish up a paper and send it to my professor...
It will be knit in caron simply soft and is designed to be worn with a lolita skirt. I think lolita clothes should have more of a DIY aspect, and knitting and sewing your own outfits is moving into an untapped market.

I have some dreams about this.
I've always wanted to create a line of lolita clothing for American sized women and men. Making a line of lolita knitting patterns may be a great way to start. Victorians knit and did other crafting quite a bit. What can be more lolita than crafting your own clothing and accessories?

Themes I'm interested in: Aristocrat, regency, rococo, romantic era, medieval, ethnic, industrial, steampunk, pirate, sailor, fantasy, and to some small extent, visual kei.


How I learned:
Knitting:

Crocheting:

Sewing lolita:


-MNR

Contrast in Past artwork

I looked at my artwork in the past, on deviantart. I don't believe in just throwing away my old artwork. I don't think anyone should. How will you know if you've gotten better?

Jan 2005

Feb 2010

These two are the same character, Geneva. I mean, this isn't the best example of how I've gotten better, but there's a definite contrast in how I started to draw her. I feel her character design is more solidified in the second image. That is not what she wears on a daily basis though! It's more like the first image.

late 2010, lolita from GLBs.

Late 2010 early 2011, commission from Gaia.

I was soooo interested in anime and manga. Anime and Manga everything! Now, even though I like it, I'm pretty passive about it. I rarely read or watch anime and manga now. I stick to watching my few favorite animes and episodes more and more. I love shows that aren't anime.

I've really changed as a person-artist in the last 5-6 years, not to mention looking over the course of 18-ish years of drawing. I can see which pictures  show a unique change in my drawing style, where I learned something crucial. I still have most of my sketchbooks, each spanning 1.5 years of my drawing career. I never noticed really that I get a new sketchbook every year.

I'd say nowadays, I write ideas and sketches rather than finished and colored drawings in my sketchbook. My sketchbook is used more to write down ideas, rather than make complete sets of artwork on every page. I am less stringent in this. I think this is because I've slowly transitioned from being a physicist/mathematician to a video game concept artist. During the epoch in which I wanted to be a physicist/mathematician, I was very perfectionist, and worked painstakingly on my artwork. During this occupational epoch, the ideas and concepts are far more important than individual art pieces. All of the little sketches and lines of text I write serve to culminate in a larger, more expressive piece of artwork or series. I have definitely improved. Drawing finished pieces without ideas as to what it means is no way to draw.

While I was becoming a young adult, I had a conflict of being a young artist that absolutely loved anime and manga everything. However, my style wasn't 'cute' enough. I felt bad because my characters weren't adorably 'moe' or 'kawaii' or ''sexy' and I strove to copy more popular internet anime artists, because they were popular.

I kind of see now how hollow a pursuit that was. Where are these popular anime artists now? They are drawing the same artwork, the same expressions, the same situations, and characters that look almost identical to years ago. That's not what I want to be, just a one liner, just a gimmick.

I drew in class. 2007. This has elements similar to art styles I would only now learn about. Constructivist, for example?

I still draw anime artwork, but I've branched out, and discovered that I like traditional artwork styles. I really discovered that I loved surrealism, constructivism, and Dada. Taking Multimedia Century has helped me realize there are more important issues that need to be drawn, sculpted or painted, other than "this girl in the japanese schoolgirl clothes is blushing over something". I think that anime art should be explored as a legitimate art style in museums that gained popularity in artists around the 1980s and exploded as a style in the 1990s, for educational purposes, because there are lots of misconceptions about its roots and subject matter. However, it shouldn't be taken seriously as something like... that should be taught to children in schools, like impressionism and color theory, or what types of lines you can make with what types of materials. It is like how you don't really teach children how to draw American cartoons in school.

I tried to copy the other artists. Oekaki. I barely knew how the tools worked!

An image from back when I did anime art commissions on gaiaonline. I tried my best with CGing at the time.

I cannot despise anime. It taught me how to draw and kept me striving to learn why I wanted to draw what I drew, and what I should draw. It helped me discover character design, environmental design, fashion design, and of course, lolita. The thing is, I started with anime and then expanded my interests, and as I grew, my knowledge and mastery of stylus based art and ideas grew. Other artists I grew up with have done that as well. A lot of times, I vastly prefer their anime styled artwork much more than what they have recently turned to. For example, this woman was my idol, and she's still amazing artist. But I still loved her oekaki drawings much better, and looking at her progress in them over the years. Loish.net.

I just find it a shame when someone demands to be called a true artist, and they draw the same things over and over again.... with no concept behind the ideas.

I was just looking at these old drawings, and I wish to redraw them. It will be like an artist making a new take on an older piece of artwork. Because I am a new artist. A different artist.



      These are some of the images I want to redraw. I still love them, its just that I can remake the concept behind the image.


- MNR

Thing Related Depression.

I fell into a depression that has lasted about a week, is why I haven't blogged much or done much.
It is caused by a variety of things. It started when I got my dresses from bodyline. It was exacerbated by difficulties with friends lately. I can never say when a depression ends. I don't want to jinx it.

Due to some unfortunate events in my life, not too horrible, but bad enough, years ago I acquired clinical depression, stress and anxiety disorders. I don't know, but I mihgt also randomly be hallucinating.

A lot of what I have to be depressed about lately is my appearance. I'm definitely not the standard american, or what the media wants the standard american to look like, or what guys at my school want the standard girl to look like.  I wish I was but oh well. No matter how much I diet, or starve myself, or liposuck, I will never be a size 2. And that should be ok.


What does the stereotypical lolita look like? Almost across the board: long blonde hair, baby blue eyes, pale complexion with rosy cheeks, looking about 16-18 years of age, skinny and of a "perfect" height and weight.
Sometimes, it will be a brunette female, with the same features.
Even lolita designers, stars, and lolita laypersons show their ideal image of the lolita as being such. (I've read GL bibles, watched videos, read japanese designer's descriptions, seen drawings on brand sites, seen the kind of models used, and see what japanese women do to their faces, hair and skin to make them look more European/white.)

Do you ever see anything different? Do you ever see clothing modeled by a tall lolita, or a black lolita, or a larger lolita, or a hispanic lolita, or a slightly older lolita (like 28 or something)? It annoys me and torments me. This is because the designers are making clothes for the smaller people. It's not one's fault for being skinny or tall. It may be one's fault for being overweight. But it's also not one's fault for being different.

It is not going to change the fact that I am a lolita. It's just that... oftentimes I don't feel part of the culture. Many times, I want to escape from the culture, or I need a break.

Dress#1, too short.

Dress#2, chest didn't fit.

I thought Bodyline was different. That they catered to a wider variety of lolitas. The dresses I purchased said that they fit busts between 34in and 44in. In the US, this means that the article of clothing fits these sizes comfortably. Or that's how I read it. What it actually meant was that the maximum possible stretch was 44in. Also, the dress comes up 4 inches above my knee. The other dress, I was able to fit one breast into. ONE. I'm so frustrated. Some of it is poor choice on my part. Nevertheless I felt (feel) like an ugly giantess, or like the ugly duckling, because I see other lolitas wearing them and looking so cute. Usually me feeling ugly is associated with me being alone and unloved, not being pretty to other people, and not fitting in in social situations.

I'm going to alter the dresses. The second one will need a LOT of work in the chest, and will need a new underskirt.

The shoes I purchased, if anything, were a little big. I was amazed. So there are these 4' 11 japanese lolita running around with size 10 feet? I expected the shoes to be the same proportion. But I saw shoes there that were too big for me! I"m a little dumbfounded.

I know I need to lose weight, I've been told by everyone, I've been looked down on, criticized, harassed, yelled at, teased, ignored, excluded, overlooked, etc, one of the reasons being for my weight. I don't need to be reminded everywhere I turn by the media too. One of the reasons I can't stand the media. Portray unrealistic images of women. Being plus sized and pretty CAN occur at the same time. Being plus sized and healthy CAN occur at the same time. I've eaten all sorts of salads and vegetables, drinking water, for the past two weeks. (Been drinking water for longer, exercising for longer) Cutting back on meats, portion sizes, doing light exercise when I have time. And then in front of me in the dining hall there are these skinnier girls (typical model size) that are eating several plates of food, among them pizza, fries and burgers. Is it fair to call me unhealthy because of the way I look? Is it fair to call me ugly because I have extra lbs? My metabolism is extremely slow, and I try when I can. A lot of plus sized lolitas do. And then there are skinnier lolitas that eat whatever they want, sit around all day and fit into the smallest brand sizes. Are they healthy because they look slim?

No one is saying that fat is healthy. No one is saying that skinny is healthy. What is correct is to say that healthy is healthy. Whether that is small or large.

You hear the ugly things people say on Lolita secrets and some forums. Downright unladylike and bitchy and inhumane things. These are the sort of things that become rumors and become 'true' in the social spheres, even if they aren't. Like all people that can't fit into brand being fat and ugly, and needing to get out of lolita. Or that men can't dress in lolita, or that lesbians can't be lolita, or that you're too old for lolita (when in fact 30 years old is still young.)
Those people can be ignored. But when people start believing them and imitating them.... it's just horrible. ( One of the comments about 'fat girls' was that they stretch out brand clothes and therefore are bad people. If you're stretching out brand clothing, that means that you're a pretty small American woman, I've realized. How can you call a size 8 american fat??? But it's no-one's business what you do to your clothes.)

I'm depressed because this is the norm, and I am very alone in my geographic location. It seems like many of the males at my school are looking for females of a lighter complexion, straighter, longer hair, shorter, and less heavy. I am what I am.

I'm 5'8". I didn't know I was tall for an american female or world wide female until I looked it up on wikipedia.

I just think.... everyone of any size deserves to feel pretty and be pretty.  Since smaller sizes are catered to all the time, and at especially low prices (places like bodyline and f+f), I think that it's time that larger sizes are catered to.

If I had time, I would create my own lolita fashion line for plus sized females (and maybe regular sized males), maybe from sizes 14 to 24. I would make dresses and skirts for ladies with large breasts and posteriors, women between 5' 5" and 6' or maybe apple shaped individuals. I design tons and tons of clothes already. It's just that... my first priority is getting my degree and entering into the game design field. There were larger victorian women, with large breasts and bottoms. (They had intense corsets, so no large stomachs.) They didn't just go naked. :/ Brands make victorian inspired clothing. So why no clothes for larger females?

I had to get this off my chest. There is no one to say these things, so the converse of each of these statements is considered true. It is not the japanese brands' faults for making clothes for small japanese women. It will be their fault if they don't start realizing that people outside of japan like that fashion, have money, and want to purchase their clothes.

I would love to start exclusively sewing my own lolita clothes, especially since brand clothes will never cater to females with 46DD/E breasts. However, I do not have a sewing machine, so handsewing takes months. And that is when I don't have projects. I can draft my own patterns to proficiency. Drafting and tailoring for other people, however, is a monumental feat.


I am trying to drag myself out of this depression. It is a hard thing to do alone, or even with a therapist and meds.
Sorry for the depressing post. Again, getting things off of my chest. Hopefully I'm in a mood to dress lolita again. I really try....

-MNR