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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Thing Related Depression.

I fell into a depression that has lasted about a week, is why I haven't blogged much or done much.
It is caused by a variety of things. It started when I got my dresses from bodyline. It was exacerbated by difficulties with friends lately. I can never say when a depression ends. I don't want to jinx it.

Due to some unfortunate events in my life, not too horrible, but bad enough, years ago I acquired clinical depression, stress and anxiety disorders. I don't know, but I mihgt also randomly be hallucinating.

A lot of what I have to be depressed about lately is my appearance. I'm definitely not the standard american, or what the media wants the standard american to look like, or what guys at my school want the standard girl to look like.  I wish I was but oh well. No matter how much I diet, or starve myself, or liposuck, I will never be a size 2. And that should be ok.

What does the stereotypical lolita look like? Almost across the board: long blonde hair, baby blue eyes, pale complexion with rosy cheeks, looking about 16-18 years of age, skinny and of a "perfect" height and weight.
Sometimes, it will be a brunette female, with the same features.
Even lolita designers, stars, and lolita laypersons show their ideal image of the lolita as being such. (I've read GL bibles, watched videos, read japanese designer's descriptions, seen drawings on brand sites, seen the kind of models used, and see what japanese women do to their faces, hair and skin to make them look more European/white.)

Do you ever see anything different? Do you ever see clothing modeled by a tall lolita, or a black lolita, or a larger lolita, or a hispanic lolita, or a slightly older lolita (like 28 or something)? It annoys me and torments me. This is because the designers are making clothes for the smaller people. It's not one's fault for being skinny or tall. It may be one's fault for being overweight. But it's also not one's fault for being different.

It is not going to change the fact that I am a lolita. It's just that... oftentimes I don't feel part of the culture. Many times, I want to escape from the culture, or I need a break.

Dress#1, too short.

Dress#2, chest didn't fit.

I thought Bodyline was different. That they catered to a wider variety of lolitas. The dresses I purchased said that they fit busts between 34in and 44in. In the US, this means that the article of clothing fits these sizes comfortably. Or that's how I read it. What it actually meant was that the maximum possible stretch was 44in. Also, the dress comes up 4 inches above my knee. The other dress, I was able to fit one breast into. ONE. I'm so frustrated. Some of it is poor choice on my part. Nevertheless I felt (feel) like an ugly giantess, or like the ugly duckling, because I see other lolitas wearing them and looking so cute. Usually me feeling ugly is associated with me being alone and unloved, not being pretty to other people, and not fitting in in social situations.

I'm going to alter the dresses. The second one will need a LOT of work in the chest, and will need a new underskirt.

The shoes I purchased, if anything, were a little big. I was amazed. So there are these 4' 11 japanese lolita running around with size 10 feet? I expected the shoes to be the same proportion. But I saw shoes there that were too big for me! I"m a little dumbfounded.

I know I need to lose weight, I've been told by everyone, I've been looked down on, criticized, harassed, yelled at, teased, ignored, excluded, overlooked, etc, one of the reasons being for my weight. I don't need to be reminded everywhere I turn by the media too. One of the reasons I can't stand the media. Portray unrealistic images of women. Being plus sized and pretty CAN occur at the same time. Being plus sized and healthy CAN occur at the same time. I've eaten all sorts of salads and vegetables, drinking water, for the past two weeks. (Been drinking water for longer, exercising for longer) Cutting back on meats, portion sizes, doing light exercise when I have time. And then in front of me in the dining hall there are these skinnier girls (typical model size) that are eating several plates of food, among them pizza, fries and burgers. Is it fair to call me unhealthy because of the way I look? Is it fair to call me ugly because I have extra lbs? My metabolism is extremely slow, and I try when I can. A lot of plus sized lolitas do. And then there are skinnier lolitas that eat whatever they want, sit around all day and fit into the smallest brand sizes. Are they healthy because they look slim?

No one is saying that fat is healthy. No one is saying that skinny is healthy. What is correct is to say that healthy is healthy. Whether that is small or large.

You hear the ugly things people say on Lolita secrets and some forums. Downright unladylike and bitchy and inhumane things. These are the sort of things that become rumors and become 'true' in the social spheres, even if they aren't. Like all people that can't fit into brand being fat and ugly, and needing to get out of lolita. Or that men can't dress in lolita, or that lesbians can't be lolita, or that you're too old for lolita (when in fact 30 years old is still young.)
Those people can be ignored. But when people start believing them and imitating them.... it's just horrible. ( One of the comments about 'fat girls' was that they stretch out brand clothes and therefore are bad people. If you're stretching out brand clothing, that means that you're a pretty small American woman, I've realized. How can you call a size 8 american fat??? But it's no-one's business what you do to your clothes.)

I'm depressed because this is the norm, and I am very alone in my geographic location. It seems like many of the males at my school are looking for females of a lighter complexion, straighter, longer hair, shorter, and less heavy. I am what I am.

I'm 5'8". I didn't know I was tall for an american female or world wide female until I looked it up on wikipedia.

I just think.... everyone of any size deserves to feel pretty and be pretty.  Since smaller sizes are catered to all the time, and at especially low prices (places like bodyline and f+f), I think that it's time that larger sizes are catered to.

If I had time, I would create my own lolita fashion line for plus sized females (and maybe regular sized males), maybe from sizes 14 to 24. I would make dresses and skirts for ladies with large breasts and posteriors, women between 5' 5" and 6' or maybe apple shaped individuals. I design tons and tons of clothes already. It's just that... my first priority is getting my degree and entering into the game design field. There were larger victorian women, with large breasts and bottoms. (They had intense corsets, so no large stomachs.) They didn't just go naked. :/ Brands make victorian inspired clothing. So why no clothes for larger females?

I had to get this off my chest. There is no one to say these things, so the converse of each of these statements is considered true. It is not the japanese brands' faults for making clothes for small japanese women. It will be their fault if they don't start realizing that people outside of japan like that fashion, have money, and want to purchase their clothes.

I would love to start exclusively sewing my own lolita clothes, especially since brand clothes will never cater to females with 46DD/E breasts. However, I do not have a sewing machine, so handsewing takes months. And that is when I don't have projects. I can draft my own patterns to proficiency. Drafting and tailoring for other people, however, is a monumental feat.

I am trying to drag myself out of this depression. It is a hard thing to do alone, or even with a therapist and meds.
Sorry for the depressing post. Again, getting things off of my chest. Hopefully I'm in a mood to dress lolita again. I really try....